


Engaged in Combat

by genericfanatic



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Humorous Violence, Multi, Proposals, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 22:06:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20235130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genericfanatic/pseuds/genericfanatic
Summary: Barry and Kravitz get into a furious argument as to who gets to propose to their significant other first.





	Engaged in Combat

Somewhere along the lines, Barry Bluejeans had become Kravitz’ best friend. 

It was kind of weird, all things considered. Barry was a lich and a necromancer, and had created one of the worst necromancy tools Faerun had seen. But by virtue of dating another lich who was the twin sister of Kravitz’ boyfriend (and actually being a decent person all things considered) he was given a pass and a job. 

And, as it turns out, taking out a horde of zombies created by an evil cult leader necromancer? Fun bonding activity. “So, you and Taako went out to the Astral plane for a week?” Barry asked, slicing the heads off a pair of zombies. 

“Yeah, it was nice,” Kravitz said, a line of zombies coming at him. He split the line in two, vertically. “There’s this little beach house on an island off the coast of the eternal stockade. Nothing but sea for miles.”

“Yeah, and nothing like the sea of souls in springtime, am I right?” Barry said, letting Kravitz take the brunt of the fighting while he searched for the damn jewels this guy was storing his power in. Had to be hidden around here somewhere…

“It was my old house,” Kravitz said, “Well, sort of. It was a kind of rest stop, in between missions, before I moved in with Taako.” And Barry, and Lup, in their nice little duplex, but he didn’t need to mention that part. “I thought Taako might appreciate seeing some of my old life before we met. Er, death, I guess.” He screwed up his face, trying to figure out the best word to use, but not finding it, took out his aggression on the horde before him, spinning his scythe in a circle so limbs went flying. 

“And did he?” Barry asked, getting a read on one of the stones. He plucked it out of the walls and a single zombie collapsed into ash. He sighed. Stupid necromancer had used a bunch of crystals instead of just the one. That was so wasteful! 

“I don’t know how much he liked it,” Kravitz admitted, “But he appreciated the attempt at opening up and learning and all that shit. We made it work.”

“Aww, that’s sweet,” Barry said, “Lup and I were thinking of taking a vacation out to one of the old dimensions we went to. For some reason she wants to go to the Robot planet and not the conservatory. Like, I love robots, but they sure as heck didn’t love us. And the conservatory is where we got together! Isn’t that more romantic?”

He dug out another pair of crystals, but the zombies who disintegrated were already defeated. This was taking too long. 

“I dunno how much it matters where you go,” Kravitz said, “It’s who you’re with that will make the memories, right?”

Barry paused, looking back at Kravitz who was kicking a severed hand that was trying to grab at him. “That’s very wise, Kravitz.”

“Yeah well,” He punted the hand into the cave wall, “I am hundreds of years old.”

“So’s my girlfriend,” He said, “And I caught her yesterday trying to make marshmallow chili.”

Kravitz smirked, but he was getting overwhelmed a bit by the horde, “You just going to stand there, or…”

“Ah, right,” He stood back to back with Kravitz and they obliterated the mob of zombies like a fantasy woodchipper. “Eugh,” Barry said, tossing one of the intestines off himself. 

A few of the limbs were still kicking away, but they were all too broken apart to pose much of a threat, so the two reapers focused on searching for wherever their local necromancer had hidden themself away to. “Where is Lup today, anyway?”

“She and Taako are having a cook-off, or something,” Barry said, running his hands over the cave walls for a secret entrance. He could just cast something to detect it, but he liked to hold onto his spell slots if he could manage it. “Didn’t Taako tell you?”

Kravitz sighed, “TT:CO. Twin Time Cook off. I told him to stop putting initials in our fantasy g-calendar, I can never remember them.”

Barry snorted, and felt an indent. He exchanged a look with Kravitz, who nodded. 

Barry swung the secret door open, a safe room the necromancer had been hiding in. She was a young looking woman, given she’d just drained the life force of the horde out there before zombifying them, with hair gathered around her like a halo. “Angels of death,” She snarled at them, “Kneel before me lest ye be smited as well, for I am She who will conquer the land of the dead for myself and live forev--”

She didn’t get to finish as Kravitz cut off her head. The squirming zombie limbs all went still. 

The chain around her neck tumbled off, as her neck was no more, and Barry leaned down to pick it up. It was a glowing golden orb, which she had no doubt been using to connect to the crystals so she could control them. “Think Lup would like this?”

“Yes,” Kravitz said, snatching it out of his hands, “Which is why you’re absolutely NOT going to be giving it to her.” 

Barry shrugged his shoulders in nervous surrender. Kravitz very carefully muttered a spell to destroy the orb, cracking it open and turning it a muddy brown. 

Kravitz cracked his neck, stretching. He could use about 20 showers after that. “You want to make the portal for home?”

“Sure thing, ghost rider,” Barry said. Kravitz glared at him. “Sorry, Lup’s said it too much.”

He slashed through the air and made a portal. The two men stepped through, their robes and skeletal faces suddenly drastically out of place for the homey decor. All the reapers mostly let Taako handle buying things, given he objectively had the best taste, and also actually was in this plane, let alone this house, more than they were. 

Kravitz started to head for the door between their duplex to get to the Taako/Kravitz side, when Barry stopped him. “Wait, Krav,” he said, “I...wanted to get your opinion on something.”

Kravitz wanted nothing more to collapse, but it wasn’t hard to come to Barry when he looked so nervous. “What is it?”

Barry took a breath, “The reason I wanted to take her to the conservatory is….is I wanted to ask her to marry me there.” He slipped a hand into his robe and revealed the ring box. The ring had a diamond set in the mouth of a skull, with two rubies for eyes. It was very Lup.

If Kravitz had blood it would have drained from his face. It wasn’t that he wasn’t HAPPY for Barry and Lup, he knew they’d get married and be very happy, and Kravitz was supportive. The problem was...well...better to show him. 

He reached into his own cloak and pulled out his own ringbox. This one was a bit more traditional in that it had a clear moonstone gem at the top, but was also more extravagant in the twisting silver band around it, molded to look like leaves and flowers.

Kravitz had agonized over the decision, but in the end, this ring is what reminded him of Taako the most, and so he had chosen it. 

Barry looked at the ring box in confusion and surprise. “.....Huh.” he said, “So….I guess we need to talk about--”

“Who’s going first?” Kravitz finished his sentence.

Barry cleared his throat, “Well,” He said, “Lup and I have been dating for longer, so uh…”

“So you’ve been waiting this long, so you can wait a little longer?” Kravitz said.

Barry blinked at him, “Wait, are you actually going to fight me about this?” He said, “Come on, we finally have settled together after over half a century of weird misery and stuff. We’ve paid our dues, it’s our time now.”

Kravitz stared him down. “Normally, I of course would be happy to help you and Lup in your endeavors to be happy,” He said, “But in this particular case, I already have things planned, and I can’t get my deposit back, so…”

“Wait, what deposit?” Barry asked, “What are you doing?”

Kravitz smiled a bit at the thought, “I know Taako didn’t really like the astral plane, so I’m taking him on a luxury cruise off the Sword Coast. I got the Diamond package, our own suite, fine dining, and access to one of the finest spas. I hired a band to serenade him at dinner where I could propose.”

Barry blinked at him. “Holy shit,” He said, “You really went all out.”

“Exactly,” Kravitz said, “So if you want, you can go on your little robot trip after our wedding.”

Barry actually looked scandalized, “YOU said it doesn’t matter where you are, as long as your with someone you care about.”

“And that’s true,” Kravitz said, “For you and Lup. But this is TAAKO we’re talking about. And Taako deserves all the glitz and glam the world has to offer for his proposal.”

Barry narrowed his eyes. “You really think your boyfriend is so shallow?”

“You really want to bring your girlfriend to whole other PLANE to propose?” Kravitz shot back. 

Barry gaped in shock. “How dare you, you--” He swung his arm to point angrily, and a blob of bloody flesh fell off him onto the carpet. 

They both winced at the stain they knew that’d make. “You want to continue this argument after a shower?”

“And maybe some vacuuming,” Barry nodded, and they went to their own parts of the house. 

An hour and some furious cleaning later, Barry and Kravitz sat opposite each other at Taako and Kravitz’ dining room table. Taako got the bigger dining stuff considering he was the one of the 4 occupants that required food at regular intervals. 

Both reapers had had a very long day, and both wanted a nap, but they didn’t need sleep, and this was more important right now. “So,” Barry said, “How do we settle this?” 

Kravitz sighed. “We could offer it to them to decide. See which one would be willing to wait.”

“And incite a twin fight?” Barry said, “I lived with them for 100 years. When they fight, it gets ugly. And we’ll be at the center of it.”

Kravitz sighed, “And I don’t suppose inciting the fact I’m your boss would dissuade you.”

“Are you my boss?” Barry asked, “I thought we were all like, equal in the eyes of death or whatever.”

“Fine, I’m your senior, then.” Kravitz said, “Still. We need to find a way to settle this.”

“What, like a game of poker?” Barry asked.

“I know you have thief training,” Kravitz said, “I’m not falling for that.” Barry shrugged. “What we need is an arbiter. Someone who can take our arguments into account and make a final decision.”

“Ok,” Barry said, “How about Davenport?”

“Your captain who you’ve known for 100 years and likes you?” Kravitz said, “No. The Raven Queen?”

“Our ACTUAL boss?” Barry said, “You want to bother her with this?” Kravitz thought about it, and then shook his head as well. “Lucretia?”

Kravitz sighed, “Again, with the 100 years thing.” 

“There are limited people on this plane who I know!” Barry said, grumping. 

Kravitz considered, “Angus McDonald?”

“Taako’s apprentice?!” Barry said, “I love the kid, but no.”

“We’re running out of people,” Kravitz said.

Barry tapped his hands on the table, “There’s someone that was on the starblaster that definitely won’t give me any benefit. Won’t do it for you and Taako either. Perfectly neutral.”

Kravitz frowned, suspicious, “Who is it?”

“I cast Zone of Truth!” 

Barry and Kravitz both groaned sitting in front of Merle, “Merle,” Barry said, “This isn’t about either of us lying, we just need you to determine which of us should propose first.”

Merle stroked his beard with his tree hand. “The truth will reveal all, including the answer to your questions. So, Barry. Why do you feel you deserve to go first.”

Barry blinked, “We’ve been together a long time, been separated for a decade, and I want to make up for lost time,” he said, “I should have married her a long time ago, it took us so long to get together, but we didn’t know if we were going to die, and things have finally settled, and all I want is to just marry her, I don’t want to waste another second.” 

Barry covered his mouth as he realized the words coming out of his mouth had formed with little thought from himself. Merle smiled smug, “Zone of truth always works. Kravitz, now you.” 

Kravitz at least felt the compulsion to say the absolute truth before it came tumbling at him, but like a train wreck, he had no way of stopping it. “I’ve been alone for centuries,” he said, “All alone, between the worlds of the living and the dead. No one who knew me is alive any longer. I haven’t had a real connection with someone until I met Taako.” He took a breath. People weren’t kidding, the truth hurt. “I don’t want to wait. I want to hold onto this connection, and I’m afraid if I wait, he’ll leave and I’ll be alone again.”

Barry winced, looking at his friend in sympathy. He had been on his own, on the run, for 10 years, his friends having forgotten him, Lup presumed dead. He could hardly imagine what centuries of being alone would do to someone.

“Hmm,” Merle said, “Looks like you both have equal claim to the wedding.”

“What?” Barry said, not feeling THAT much sympathy, “but that’s ridiculous! Taako’s crazy about him, and clearly not going to leave him if they don’t get hitched right away!”

“Well what about you?” Kravitz said, “You and Lup have been essentially married for, what, 50 years? Something like that? You don’t need a shiny ring and a ceremony to see you’re together forever.”

“Guys, guys,” Merle interrupted their aggressively kind argument, waving his hands to try and calm them, “Arguing isn’t going to get us anywhere. Now, it seems there’s only one way to settle this. Battle to the death! Winner gets first proposal!” 

They stared at him. “Merle,” Kravitz said, “We’re both already dead.”

Merle hummed, “To the ‘death if you were alive’ then!”

Barry scoffed, “Merle, we’re not just going to--” he didn’t get to finish his sentence before he was dodging a scythe coming for his head. 

He packed away several paces, looking for the danger, only to see Kravitz in his skelatal form, staring him down. “Kravitz, what are you doing?”

“I want the wedding,” Kravitz said with a shrug. He launched himself forward, a floating dark mist with a skull face and a scythe blade coming at him. Barry had just enough time to switch forms himself, summoning his own scythe to intercept. 

Barry and Kravitz had fought alongside each other enough for Barry to know that Kravitz wasn’t seriously trying to kill him. But he also knew the senior reaper wasn’t holding back. He intended to win. 

Well, Barry didn’t survive 100 years of the Hunger for nothing.

Barry pushed back, scythe’s flashing back and forth, sparking as the blades met. Barry knew he would be fine as long as he didn’t get swiped by the blade, but that left him open as Kravitz jabbed him in the stomach with the blunt end, sending him reeling onto the ground.

As he collected himself, he realized he’d landed right in front of Merle. Merle, who was eating from a bag of nuts like popcorn. “Really?” He asked. Merle shrugged, then nodded behind him where Kravitz was charging again. 

Barry decided to blink away this time, disappearing in smoke and reappearing behind Kravitz. Kravitz managed to swing around just in time, but now at least he was on the defense instead of Barry. “Isn’t this a little ridiculous?” he asked.

“Feel free to surrender,” Kravitz said, pushing back. 

And yeah, this was ridiculous. But also, Barry wasn’t going to back down. 

They were frustratingly well matched. For every attack, the other had just the right dodge or perry to combat it. If they needed breath they’d have run out of it by now. As it was they were both getting a bit bored with the back and forth, ready to just….get it over with. Still, neither of them were willing to give up, and so they kept going. 

Even Merle was getting bored, and this was all his idea. But as they fought, he was chatting on his stone of farspeech. “You’re supposed to be mediating!” Barry yelled at him. Merle just shrugged.

“Alright, alright,” Kravitz said, putting his scythe up, “Clearly, we’re not going to settle anything this way.” 

Barry hesitated, wondering if this was a trick, before he put his scythe up to. “Yeah. Merle, just pick one of us, already, would you?”

“Oh wow,” Merle said, “I feel like I’m on an episode of fantasy bachelor.”

“Neither of us are bachelors,” Kravitz said, “Also, ew.” 

Merle was still ignoring them in favor of his stone, “Alright, there’s only one way to settle this,” he said, “Come with me.”

Kravitz and Barry exchanged a confused look, but seeing no alternatives, followed him. 

They walked for a little while, just wondering if this was some sort of exercise, or a weird mysterious place known to the clerics of pan or something. Within minutes, they realized they were just wandering in circles. “Are we actually going somewhere?” Barry asked.

“Just keep following,” Merle sang at them.

Kravitz stopped dead (pun intended). “This is ridiculous,” He said, “we’re no closer to deciding on anything than we were before. Tell us where we’re going now, or I’m going home.”

“For once, we’re agreed,” Barry said, “Cough it up, Merle, or do we have to Zone of Truth you?”

Merle looked between them, hesitant and fumbled for something to say.

“That’s it,” Kravitz said, drawing his scythe and slicing through the air to make a portal. 

“Wait!” Merle cried out, and they hesitated. He checked his wrist-sundial. “Ok, now you can go.”

Barry and Kravitz both scoffed, and stepped through the portal to get back home. 

It was a credit to what they were both used to when they stepped through and automatically thought the apartment was covered in blood. Thankfully it only took a moment for them to realize the bright red covering every surface was, in fact, rose petals.

Kravitz picked one up, and it crumbled in his hand. Flowers often did. “What in the--”

“REAPERS AND GENTLEMEN!” A loud voice echoed from outside. They realised the petals were forming a sort of pathway, heading to the door, “COME OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH YOUR HANDS READY TO GIVE!”

Barry and Kravitz exchanged equally confused frowns as they stepped out of the house, sharing the doorway. 

The line of Rose petals led right to the twin elves, dressed in incredibly fancy matching robes (Lup’s red, Taako’s purple). “WELCOME, HANDSOME FELLAS,” Lup shouted, “TO THE INVITATION OF THE CENTURY!”

“AN INVITATION TO WHAT PROMISES TO BE THE MOST SPECTACULAR EVENT OF THE MILLENIA!” Taako picked up from her, “AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, IS ANSWER ONE QUESTION!”

They danced apart from each other, revealing Magnus and Angus, unfurling a giant scroll that read “MARRY US” Just as Taako and Lup took a knee. 

Kravitz and Barry stared blankly for a few moments in echoing silence. Finally Kravitz snorted just a bit, looking at Barry. “The same time,” he said, “We didn’t even consider that.”

Soon Barry was laughing too, and the elves were increasingly confused. “So….” Taako said, “We were kinda going more for a ‘swooning awe’ kinda reaction, so uh--”

Kravitz cut him off, reaching into his robe to pull out the ring box, flicking it open. Not half a moment later, Barry did the same. 

It was always pretty easy to tell the elves apart even though they were identical. Still, they really showed HOW identical they were, as they stared at their loves with identical looks of shock. 

Lup broke first, jumping up with a squeal and barrelling Barry over into the dirt. They both nearly dropped their rings, but held on, unable to put either one on each other as they were too heavily entangled. 

Taako was just a touch shier, jogging up to Kravitz and looking at the ring in his hand, as though to make sure it wan’t an illusion. “Really?” Taako said, looking up at Kravitz, his eyes wide as dinner plates. 

Kravitz melted into a smile as the realization washed over him. As scared as he’d been to be alone again, Taako had the same feeling, the same question as to whether the man before him loved him as much as he did. “Really.” He said, “Come on,” and he took Taako’s hand. 

Taako offered his hand that started shaking as Kravitz slipped the silver ring on his finger. “It matches my outfit perfectly,” Taako said, starting to tear up. Kravitz couldn’t judge, he was too. “Oh, wait, I have--”

He pulled out his own ring box and offered it to Kravitz. It was a simple black band with a circle of sapphire. “I transmuted it myself,” Taako said, “I thought about adding a feather pattern or something, but I don’t know if--”

“It’s perfect,” Kravitz said, getting him to look him in the eyes again. “You’re perfect.”

Taako’s more typical self-assuredness returned to his face, lighting up his eyes, “Natch, of course,” He said, slipping the ring onto Kravitz’ finger. With no more waiting, he pulled him in for a kiss. 

“So,” They heard Magnus ask, “Can we go?” Taako waved them off without breaking the kiss. Kravitz chuckled, listening as Magnus ushered Angus away to leave them be. 

Taako split to rest his forehead on Kravitz’s, his hat getting pushed back. “Krav?” He said. Kravitz hummed in response, still not quite on this plane. “I think my sister’s about to bone down in our front yard.”

Kravitz opened a single eye, turning just enough to see Lup and Barry, still entangled on the ground and making out passionately. “You want to break it up, or leave them and go inside?”

“Oh, definitely leave them,” Taako said, and Kravitz chuckled again, leading Taako inside their house.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! My tumblr is dork-empress


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